over the cliff

I could have sworn that I posted these already… but apparently not.

Most of you have already seen them… I’m really only putting them here so that I can find them later.

Catapult

Catapult 2

Ninja Wizards!

An Old Joke

A parody of the song published in Thursday’s edition of the Times Picayune.

With apologies to Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein . . .
Water is swarming with venomous species
Elegant swimming pools teeming with feces
The rash on my haunches is starting to sting
These are the things that Katrina brings.
Houses are burning and levees are breeching
Into my water the sewage is seeping
Horrible odors awaft in the breeze
Hoping I don’t catch a dreadful disease
Helicopters flying and criminals shooting
I called the police but they’re too busy looting
National Guard troops all over the town
Why did it take Bush two weeks to dump Brown?
First the Dome leaked
Then the Dome reeked
Damn, the fridge smells bad!
New Orleans covered in green, purple and gold
It’s not Mardi Gras, it’s MOLD!
(slowly)
Boats on the rooftops and lawns full of branches
President hiding on big Texas ranches
Blue tarps on houses as far as I see
My favorite things are debris!

Full Text

Okay, so earlier I was flipping channels and I came across this VH1 show about female actresses and their eating disorders. It was going on and on about how women in Hollywood feel the pressure to be thin, and starve themselves, etc etc etc. Very social conscious and saying what a travesty this trend is and how dangerous blah blah blah.

So just now I was flipping channels again and VH1 is showing this thing called ‘Anna Nicole Smith’s Most Outrageous Moments’. They got to the part about when Anna Nicole started gaining weight and they just went into this huge long spiel of fat jokes.

…

Wtf. You can’t play it both ways bastards.

I just heard this great interchange on Designing Women.

See, this is the South. We do not hide our crazy people up in the attic. We bring them right down to the living room and show them off. We do not ask people if they have crazy people in the family, we ask ‘Which side.’

‘And which side are yours on Ms. Sugarbaker?’

‘Both.’

And it’s so true.

Still no word on the three subs I have out. But for some reason it’s not making me as angsty as normal. Perhaps I’ve just gotten so used to rejections that I basically feel that what I’m doing is simply collecting rejections from different magazines for a group of poems. Like a carousel and the poems periodically jump off and then get on a diferent horse or toad or whatever freak animal those psycho carnival operators would create.

I brought the two new fairy tale poems I’ve written to writer’s group last night. Not exceedingly helpful comments- mainly because there were only two people there and Oliver had already seen both poems. I did come up with a title though for one of the poems. Tell me what you think:

[Insert Title Indicating that this is a Poem about Bluebeard the Wife Murderer, not the Pirate]

I kindof like it. Mainly beause it means I get to be lazy and not think of a real title.

I really suck at titles.

And it turns out that I was right about weddingchannel.com (Click here to view ‘Your Wedding Date is in 16 Weeks’). I got two e-mails from them a while back. The first one wanted to know what professionals helped me the most on my special day, and the second one was a link to their “For Better or for Worse” section. It can tell me how to change my name, how to merge my stuff with…err… my stuff I guess. And other stupid marriage crap.

I’m tempted to re-register with all the same information except a new wedding date and see if I get reported for attempted polygamy.

Parody of Kokomo

I have a confession to make. I like watching golf.

Please don’t judge me?

But seriously, it is the most masochistic game in the history of the world. The game is designed to make people cry. And no competition in the world better exemplifies this concept than the US Open. A few minutes ago I watched a player hit the ball onto the green, it rolled, and it rolled, and off the green it went. So he hit it onto the green again, and it rolled, and it rolled, and off the green it went. At what point do players collapse into hysterical sobs? When will some sponsor hire a blimp to fly over with the words ‘Are we having fun yet?’ emblazened along the side.

Sometimes it’s a painful game to watch. With players you like (Tiger Woods is a cave diver, gotta cheer for my people), it’s not fun to sit back helpless as the greens fuck with the ball again and again and again. Of course, that’s assuming that the rough doesn’t swallow it after the drive. Have I mentioned yet how narrow the fairways are on this course?

…Errr… not that yall care.

If you really want to hear something amusing, watch the Robin Williams Live on Broadway DVD. He has a bit where he impersonates the Scotsmen who invented golf. (Click here and scroll down to the downloads section to listen)

Years and years ago, my mother decided she needed to buy a new washing machine. She went to an appliance store, talked to the salesmen, and picked out the one she wanted. But then my father decided that he had to make sure that it was indeed the best washing machine for the money. He went to the library and read all the consumer reports, researched how they worked, motors and [insert technical gobblygook about washing machines]. Then he went to the store and began interrogating all the salespeople about motors and [insert technical gobblygook about washing machines]. And of course the salespeople couldn’t tell them much, they just sold the machines… they didn’t make them. Then finally after weeks of this, my father finally decided that the best washing machine for the best price was indeed the washing machine my mother had picked out in the first place. When my mother went to purchase the washing machine however, the salesman said that there would be an additional $50 delivery fee. My mother said she hadn’t heard anything about a delivery fee and she would have to call my father. The salesman’s face went pale, he grabbed her hand, and said “NO!! NO!! Please no!! We’ll waive the charge… just don’t let that man come back into this store!”

I wish I could be more like my father in that regard. I wish I were willing to research the living hell out of something before making a decision. As it is, I’m all about the instant gratification. One day I decided it’d be nice to have a digital camcorder and housing to take underwater videos. A few days later I walked out of Circuit City with in my hands. I would’ve gotten it sooner but I had to pester my dad to pay me for working at the dive store first. The next summer I decided it’d be nice to have a guitar so I could learn how to play. A few days later, I bought one.

Normally these decisions aren’t quite as arbitrary as I’m making them sound. I will waiver about whether or not I want something, but the moment I decide to buy it… I have to buy it that second. Which is why I’m now pissed at myself over Sprint. It is absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, completely my fault that I did not fully investigate the charges associated with purchasing a DSL line. Had I been more like my father, I would’ve spent a week on the phone with Sprint, Cox, and any other High speed internet providers trying to decide what route would be best for me. But no… I just decided ‘Well, it’d be nice to have a land line anyway… I’ll go with Sprint’. And then I got barraged by taxes, the cost of modems, blah blah blah. It just sucks.

I hate the real world.

Slowly Downward

My personal favorites: A Happy Story; Game; Trouble with Neighbors